The Saga Of The New Bed

I decided that we were in dire need of a new bed, I mean, what if I was maligning poor old Asda for keeping me awake when really it was the fault of a few springs and an aching back that were responsible for waking me up.

One was ordered from Argos just over a week ago. This was after we'd been for a look around and had a few bounces in other places. I always read customer feedback which all looked good, plus - and not to be sneezed at - our purchase had a - WOW half price - label on the Argos website. No, I do not fall for that crap, we've gone into the sales technique before, but this was the bed I fancied.

It came exactly when Argos said it would, with a text the day before and a phone call an hour before it was due to arrive, I can't fault Argos for their delivery. I can on the other hand be annoyed - at myself - because Argos more or less send offers daily by email - which I obviously delete before reading - and so paid the delivery charge ... which would have been free with the code I received about six times in one day. This won't happen again. Then to top it off the £10 voucher was introduced two days later - bugger!

Yesterday - the morning of delivery, it's action stations, hmm, four draws to remove, one containing half of my entire stock of lotions and potions, another is full of big pyjamas, only to be worn in the event of an ice-age, Oh chuff me, two carrier bags full of socks, we covered all this sockiness ages ago - note to self - do not buy any more socks.

Himself took out his draws and put them to one side, I don't need to know what lurks in their deepest depths, I've got enough on with my own rubbish.

The bedding was hurled downstairs in the usual fashion to be washed, I don't know what the urgency was, because I do have more bedding in exactly the same flavour waiting in the wings.

The mattress, hmm - now the old mattress topper had been removed [and thrown away] - there it skulked in all its glory. I told it that I'd no longer be sucking up any dead skin it was hoarding with the Dyson, and never again would it flatten me against the wall when I turned it. It just laid there looking ... saggy.

My grumpy old man returned from the bookies and the mattress was evicted, it got its own back on the way out with a jab under the chin and one more spring in the ribs.

The divan base was halved, we went downstairs with one half ... then back up ... down ... up ... down ... up ... down ... 'to you' ... 'turn it' ... 'no, back up' ... 'this way' ... 'Will you just take the bloody handrail off!!'

The big wooden handrail was taken off the wall ... where do you put a handrail? I had to back up the stairs with it, round the bend a bit and into the bathroom ... sigh.

Here goes again ... down ... waddle, waddle ... 'up a bit' ... 'twist it' ... down ... up ... 'Will you just take that bloody door off!!'  ... Of course this is the only door in the entire house that doesn't just lift off, this one needed two screwdrivers and a hammer.

Down ... YES! ... And out, ditto the other half. At last.

Oh yuck, all that dust and a mountain of biscuit crumbs on his side. I got everywhere clean and then buffed up the brass headboard ready for the new arrival while grumpy made a sarnie.

There was a slight worry that we wouldn't get the new bed upstairs, there was only one more option left if they were bigger bases, and that would mean the removal of a cupboard over the bottom of the stairs - hmm.

It arrived, one half divan was measured, phew two whole inches shallower - the mattress was deeper. We got them upstairs, unpacked and got on with removing bits of cardboard with dodgy staples, then I cut off the extra fabric that were holding the draws shut.

We got to the castors, two were proving difficult to force in, so I suggested we put the base down and ever so gently sit on the corners until they plopped in ... mine went in with a thunk and grumpy told me to go and bounce on the corner he was struggling with. This I did ... and then realised he could have done it himself but was inferring that it needed more weight than he'd got to do it ... I hit him.

The mattress was fetched up and unpacked - carefully, he wanted to save the plastic sheeting, yet more crap to store. Of course, knowing full well the last bit you'd want would be the mattress, they thought this would be the best place to put the instructions, hmm, not to worry, we'd done everything correctly apart from hitting the castors with a wooden mallet.

It is done ... headboard fitted, new mattress protector on, sheets etc. It doesn't look as wide as the old one, it was measured, it was the same so this must be an illusion caused by the old mattress going splat when you laid on it. I asked him where he was sleeping as there was only room for me and the cat. He said there'd be room.

We were both yawning and doing exaggerated stretching ... 'early night?' ... 'Yeah' ... Much splashing in the bathroom ensued. We were both squeaky clean but alas no longer tired, telly was viewed.

At last, bedtime.

Books out, reading glasses on ... 'Are you comfy?' ... 'Yes, you?' ... 'Hmm' ... sleepy time ... Oh bo***ks, it's 12.35 and Asda have got a chiller/freezer lorry going full-brum with many changes of octaves and much reversing bleeps ... tw*t! ... 12.45 - peace ... 12.55 - it starts again, going through all the different notes until it's running full bore again. So no, it wasn't the ancient bed keeping me awake.

Around 4.00ish Grumpy gets up to go to the loo, I was woken by the bump. He'd launched himself off the edge of the bed but it was higher and bouncier than the old one. He ended up on his hands and knees on the floor, he couldn't get back up for laughing, by now we were both giggling like naughty teenagers.

A little later I turned over, of course being half asleep, I forgot what I was doing and went for it full force like I usually do when I'm fighting my way out of saggy springs. I shot up the bed and banged my head on the uncompromising headboard and cricked my neck.

Extra bed attire I think - knee pads for him and a hard hat for me. Or at the very least we must get a new headboard, I need a much softer option than brass ...

Argos Vouchers And Bargain Prices

Last month I bought a vital piece of equipment [3 mobile broadband] from Argos at a time when £5 and £10 vouchers were being issued depending on how much was spent.

I received a £5 voucher.

Now the last time I got one of these I forgot all about it - as it turns out this was the very best thing I could have done.

I've got until 25th May to spend it and it's burning a hole in my purse. The only trouble is, there's nothing I actually need from Argos - now, want is an entirely different matter, there's a huge and ever growing list of things that I desperately want.

I was, fairly sensibly [and cheaply] going to buy a pot of jewellery cleaner with my £5 voucher to leave at 'the manor' as I do love my bits to sparkle, but last week the grumpy old man spotted an offer 'too good to miss' in the newspaper - a breadmaker. Now bearing in mind I've already got a breadmaker taking up an inordinate amount of worktop space in my kitchen, I decided this was a bad idea.

'But we can keep it as a spare and use it at the caravan' he said. Hmm, I looked at the aforementioned breadmaker, it's not actually in the Argos catalogue so in my vast experience of 'sale prices', the 'too good to miss' bargain of a Cookworks breadmaker was very missable.

Have you ever noticed 'sale prices'? They're laughable, albeit genuine in a legal if not moral way [I say moral because this is nothing more than a legal con or hustle]. And I'm not just talking Argos here, they all do it, even with your Christmas turkey at Tesco. They quote a wonderful, better than 'HALF PRICE' bargain, stating quite truthfully that the item they're selling you has previously been on sale at a ridiculously high price that no-one in their right mind would pay [never or rarely the recommended retail price]. Apparently they only have to do this for a certain number of days [28 days springs to mind] to get this as the recognised price, then drop it to let you think you're quids in - and we fall for it time and time again ... because we're gullible.

Anyway, back to my £5 voucher - not wanting the crappy bargain priced breadmaker had Argos' desired effect of making me look at more expensive ones until sanity tapped me on the noggin and reminded me that 'we don't need a bloody breadmaker!!'

At this point did I tear up the voucher and find something else to do - like work? No I did not, I started flicking through the catalogue to find something I really needed. A sunbed at £49.99, no thanks, I've only just this minute finished unpacking the one I bought for half price - 'when they're gone they're gone' from Woodthorpe Garden Centre - um well - it was a bargain ... Oh bugger, I fell for it again didn't I?

Oooooh yes ... a table tennis table, when we were on holiday [from which I've still not recovered enough to blog about] we spent a lot of time playing table tennis because:

1. It rained a lot.
2. It made a change from eating.
3. We were probably the youngest and fittest there so no-one else was playing.

But we really enjoyed playing and decided we should carry on at home [where??] to get a bit fitter. The GOM said we may get a game at a youth club somewhere, I think he meant over 50's but I don't like to disillusion him.

So now this voucher has progressed from a literally free tub of jewellery cleaner to a £249 table tennis table, via a £70 breadmaker, it's going to have to stretch one heck of a way at this rate.

Finally common sense prevailed - but not before I looked at cameras, iPods and other essential gadgety things until I finally arrived at the bathroom section, where I remembered that although we'd revamped the bathroom, we still needed a loo roll holder.

So there you have it, I will go into Argos and waft my voucher at them and come out with another vital piece of equipment for under £10 - Oh I say, I've just looked on t'interweb and they've got one that's less than half price. What a bargain!! ...

Update: I've just got back from Argos. After all that effort and brain strain, I changed my mind at the last minute and went with my original idea of jewellery cleaner [well I like my loo roll sitting on the windowsill]. This was a good idea - my first ideas usually are - as I didn't have to part with any cash. And I got change in the form of another voucher worth £1.01 with no time limit on it. Now where did I put the Argos catalogue? I need to find something really, really cheap ...