What the ¥@%* Is Perimenopause?!!

Apparently, and yet again, they can't possibly mean me, one of the symptoms of perimenopause is damn mood swings!! boo hoo, sob ...

Now I can ham it up with the best of 'em, guaranteeing tea and sympathy from the GOM, until boredom sets in and kicks me up the a**e. But this time I feel dreadful! I have flu-like symptoms, I daren't eat anything as I instantly turn into a bag of wind and I'm SUFFERING! I even - and this is deadly serious - stopped 'playing' with my beloved computer and took to my bed, a shivering agonized wreck yesterday afternoon.

I decided to cruise t'interweb to look up my latest symptoms, whilst languishing in a 'look at me, I'm really ill' posture on the sofa later in the day - I am a renowned hypochondriac, one who hasn't visited a doctor in 26 years I might add!

I completed a survey on the women to women website - which was very informative and helpful - and so far they haven't asked me for lots of money.

My results showed that:
a) I have severe symptoms caused by 'entrenched hormonal imbalance'.
b)I don't give myself adequate support so things have got to change.
c)I make low demands on my body - being idle, this is fairly easy - but I don't need any more stresses in my life or my symptoms will be exacerbated - so Asda, Heanor Haulage, PMB and the county council - PUSH OFF!

I need lot's of 'lady vitamins', a better diet with more fruit and vegetables and gasp - exercise - me? - they cannot be serious! AND!! I must cut down on alcohol, I have decided in my wisdom that this is poor advice so shall ignore it, as I get valuable vitamin C in my orange juice with bits in which I drink with my whisky, likewise Southern Comfort, I drink that with frozen fruit in rather than ice, so healthy and balanced I think.

I had a really bad night, PMB didn't even get to wake me up as I was still tossing and turning in a sweaty but shivery fashion at 1.21 when the brrrrrrm clatter started. They'd only finished at 11.10 the previous time. When I finally dragged myself from my pit this morning, I shuffled about from room to room, bent over with pain and muttering under my breath that if I don't come equipped with a willy in my next incarnation, I'm going to sue ... someone, anyone!

I'm almost tearful because we've got wall to wall sunshine and I want to go back to the seaside but haven't got the strength to finish the ironing or pack the bags - this probably serves me right for treating other ladies with disdain when they said they were 'as weak as kittens' when they went through a certain age. My brain hurts - this is obviously due to its size, being too large for my cranium - don't argue!

All in all I'm feeling miserable so don't anyone dare upset me or you will be immortalised in my blog ...