Me And Alternate-Day Fasting ... Three Weeks On

Well, we've finally arrived home and naturally one of the first things I did was stand on the bathroom scales. There is an art to doing this correctly that every overweight person knows ... You have to lean to the left and as back as far as possible without actually falling off the scales. This will reduce your weight by at least 3 ounces.

My ancient bathroom scales decided not to play along, first they needed adjusting up by 4lb to reach 0. I was disgusted with the result until I stepped off them and saw that they were still stuck on 7lb. They were definitely going through the window (well they're in the bin). I went over to Asda to stock up on tins of chopped tomatoes - a lifesaver on the down days - plus other essentials and some really cheap scales.

They were much better! Whether or not they're telling the actual truth, they'll do for me. Result ... a total of 14lb loss over four weeks (this includes the time spent on the two cereals a day diet which did nothing but give me stomach cramps).

I had guessed roughly how much weight I'd lost, and I know that naturally as with every diet you come across, some of it was bound to be muscle. I tried my very best to make sure the fat/muscle ratio was as good as could be, by frequently exercising using a Reebok side stepper with resistance bands.

Only three weeks in and I've lost 2" from my waist and hips, and 1" from my boobs - I say boobs but we all know I mean my back because they haven't budged by so much as a millimetre (as per usual). Before we came home ALL our tin hut neighbours were saying they could tell I was losing weight. In fact as I write this, one of my neighbours will be starting the same diet as she feels over-chunky around her midriff. She was impressed with my obvious weight loss and the ease with which I achieved it.

I fully expect over the next and subsequent months to lose less and less weight. This is normal and I've been on enough diets to know this, also as my basal metabolic rate reduces, so will the calories needed to actually keep losing weight on the down days. I'm at 500 calories now but can foresee that I will most likely need to drop to 400 in the near future. The up days will also need a reduction but this will be easy as I'm soon full.

So far the diet has been sheer pleasure, obviously I'm getting a buzz out of losing weight - who wouldn't - but my energy levels have shot through the roof ... I feel like swinging from chandeliers, bouncing off the walls and jumping off of things.

The only down side so far, is that I'm even clumsier than I was before. I've always walked into things, but being marginally lighter means that when I launch myself in any direction, I get there sooner than expected. There are at least five conversations a day with grumpy about door-frames, tables and cupboards, along the lines of 'who put that there?' And twice I've walked into my stepper ... I'm on a very risky route to another broken toe.

I've invested in The Alternate-Day Diet book by Doctor Johnson, it is very interesting albeit far too scientific to hold my attention for any great length of time, so I only read it in short bursts. I told my friend yesterday that I felt WIRED and now I've just read the bit where he used the exact same word to describe how people on the diet feel, hmmm, just like when Asda have kept me awake for two or three consecutive nights.

I did NOT follow the rules about using diet shakes in the first two weeks on down days, why should I? I'm grown up enough to know what I'm eating and well able to count the calories without cheating. Also as I mentioned in my last dieting post, I'm not actually doing this on alternate days but only Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, with other weekdays and whole weekends totally free to eat what I like.

Now here's the weird thing, by the third weekend, all I could think about was wanting Monday to come so I could be in proper control of my eating, which was daft because even on the up days (Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays and Sunday) I am still basically eating healthy food, just with a few added extras.

I actually find the down days easier than the up days, mainly because contrary to popular belief that ALL fat people stuff themselves silly, I don't have a big appetite, nor fortunately do I have a sweet tooth. But I love nuts and cheese - which I've now virtually given up, sigh - and Hovis Seed Sensation under my Lurpak ... and jacket potatoes under my cheese and Lurpak. Then there's the weekly pizza and the fortnightly Indian etc. And we're not even going to mention the Whisky. So with me I'm afraid it was WHAT I ate, rather than how much.

Of course the Doughnut competition didn't help either ... Us and the tin hut neighbours seeing who could buy each other the most jammy doughnuts from Morrisons = one a day each! And not at all bad for someone who doesn't even particularly like them. Now we've all given them up (or so they say).

Last Saturday I had a little apple pie with a minuscule amount of ice-cream on it, and all I could think about was getting on my stepper to negate those specific calories. This is BAD, I'm allowed to eat what I want on up days without the guilt trip, but it's a hard dieting habit to break.

On Sunday I had my usual Jordans Muesli breakfast and because my dinner stretched to two meals (fairly normal), I had approximately 1000 calories all day and didn't want anything more. So now my Sundays will be neither up nor down days, more of an in-between. And since I finished reading the book the same night, I see that I'm perfectly normal in doing exactly this ...

.....

1. Me and Alternate Day Fasting
2. Me and Alternate Day Fasting ... Three Weeks On
3. Five Weeks of Alternate Day Fasting
4. Eight Weeks of Alternate Day Fasting
5. Ten Weeks of Alternate Day Fasting
6. Alternate Day Fasting Three Months On
7. Alternate Day Fasting in Winter
8. Alternate Day Fasting Over Christmas
9. Me and Zumba
10. Saying Goodbye To My Curves 
11. Eight Months Of Alternate Day Fasting And Me
12. Growing Up 
13. A Year Of Alternate Day Fasting 
14. 60 Pounds Of Blubber - Vanished
15. The Perils of Alternate Day Fasting 
16. Mr Grumpy Is Losing It
17. Mr Grumpy Has Lost It
18. Fasting For Maintenance
19. Tweaking Maintenance
20. Weight Gain 
21. Still Maintaining
22. Four Years Of Intermittent Fasting

  .....

• ADF Facebook Group ... come and join us :)

Mill Pub Fire August 2012

 By Guest Blogger ALI

Well The Mill pub is back in the headlines again for all the wrong reasons, in the early hours of Thursday 23rd August at around 5am the Derbyshire fire service were attending yet ANOTHER fire at the premises, this fire required the use of three appliances which included a 'high rise pump' to tackle the roof fire.

Road closures caused severe traffic problems until after midday, finally getting back to 'normal' at 12.30. Now the inspection of the building starts and to possible causes?

Strange how this fire comes only a short time after the refusal to accept an offer just under the 'reserve' of £215K at the auction. If the building is in a fit and safe state NOT to require demolition is yet to be decided, many locals are hoping it WILL need to come down and rid this Parish of one of its MANY eyesores!

ALI (Gladstone St.)

Me And Alternate Day Fasting

Yes, I'm on a diet ... it originally started as a joke about grumpy being able carry me over the threshold without having to do it one leg at a time ... or (before anyone else suggests it) asking Mr Heanor Haulage if he can borrow his crane. I think even if I do lose a few pounds the best I can hope for is a fireman's lift ... but only if we can stop laughing long enough.

Now being at the tin hut with just a tape measure - which tells dreadful lies about my porkiness - to check my progress, is a tiny bit unsatisfactory. But hopefully, I may get a pleasant surprise once I'm home for a few days. 

If things are looking good, then I'll be found almost constantly wearing the bathroom scales as an extension under my feet (which also makes me two inches taller so less under-height for my weight) ... on the other hand, I may just throw them through the window in disgust - I am likely to do this.

Any advocates of ADF reading this and screaming at me that 'day one' was totally wrong ... I know. And it was never repeated on subsequent down days. I started this diet mid-week on a whim and was - of course - totally unprepared.

I have decided in my wisdom that this subject is best handled by those most directly involved, namely my stomach and brain ... and a few other body parts for good measure. So, ahem, here goes:

Day One

Stomach: Look here, we've not long since had breakfast and she's bending over.

Brain: She's bowling.

Stomach: Well I can't confirm that our contents will stay down if she keeps this up.

Brain: Okay, stomach. I'll tell her to delay bowling in future.

Stomach: Ugh, luke warm mazzy watter tea, what's that for?

Brain: Sorry, no choice, she's overheating and dehydrating.
 

Stomach: Salt? Where's that from?

Brain: Top lip.

Stomach: S-n-o-t! ... is she eating bogies?

Brain: It's sweat, she's fifty-two, not two. Now push off, I've got to concentrate.
Stomach: On what?
Brain: Coordination ... she keeps lumbering about, bends down with her ar*e in the air and chucks a lump of black plastic at a white dot. Then of course eyes and right arm can't agree on which direction to throw it ... I think this is meant to be 'exercise for crumblies'
Stomach: Oh.

Stomach: Oi! Isn't it time we had food? I've finished with the muesli and we're all clear for the next lot.

Brain: She's on a diet.

Stomach: Give me strength, I thought we'd just done one.

Brain: We have.

Stomach: Shouldn't it be muesli again now?

Brain: No, I told you, we've done with the two cereals diet.

Stomach: What was wrong with that?

Brain: Another organ wasn't happy; requested a change.

Stomach: Oh, her at the end of the line? She's a prima donna that one, can't take work.

Stomach: So, is it Monday again already?
Brain: No, Wednesday.
Stomach: Wednesday! I thought it was in the rules that diets start on a Monday.

Brain: Yeah, and finish by Tuesday.

Stomach: Oi! Can you make her eat, it's a bit empty in here, I can see my creases.

Brain: I'll try, but I can't promise anything.

Stomach: Well?

Brain: Nothing doing.

Stomach: I'll do some squeezing and wobbling, that'll work.

Brain: Notice to all organs, this is a yellow alert, stomach is going to be a little disruptive ... Go ahead stomach.

Stomach: WTF! ... WATER!! What am I supposed to do with that? It's just ... wet.

Brain: Stop whinging will you, it won't last.

Stomach: Are you sure?

Brain: Yeah, she watched Horizon - Eat, Fast and Live Longer - the other night. It's yet another faddy diet she thinks is a good idea.

Stomach: Well it's not.
Brain:Hmmm, I'm not so sure, she could do with shifting some lard.

Stomach: Woohoo! Food coming, it's hot, yippee ... soup, where's the bread? No bread? Hold on ... it's got no substance ... slimming soup ugh.

Brain: Stomach wake up! something is on its way.

Stomach: Yeuch! hot mazzy watter ... again.

Brain: It's fruit tea ... 2 calories.

Stomach: I could have told you that, there's nowt in it.

Stomach: ALERT, ALERT we're drowning, there's water coming in by the bucket full!

Brain: Calm down, you've fallen asleep again ... she's drinking.

Stomach: Water????? ... Again, twice in one year.

Brain: I think you've got to get used to it for a day or so. 
Stomach: I can't work under these conditions ... we may have to take action.

Brain: All the other organs are working optimally. Get over yourself stomach.

Stomach: Are we doing this again tomorrow?

Brain: I'm not really sure ... but I don't think so.

Day Two

Stomach: Aaaagghhhh, what's happening? I'm in a vice, I can't move. HELP!

Brain: Stop panicking, she's trying clothes on to see if they fit yet.

Stomach: Well tell her they don't.

Brain: Lungs ... deflate a little, make room for fatso.

Left Lung: Is stomach complaining again?

Brain: Yes.

Right lung: Stomach's got more wind than both of us put together.

BIG BREATH ...

Stomach: OUT OUT! Not in ... morons.

Stomach: Oho, muesli ... er, are we back on the cereals diet again?

Brain: No.

Stomach: Oooh no, there's Greek yoghurt ... no honey though. I'd better get busy.

Brain: Ummm, hang on a minute, slow down ... I'm confused, we've had coffee and a biscuit, yes?

Stomach: I dealt with that ages ago ... keep up.

Brain: O-k-a-y ... but there might not be too much more.

Stomach: Don't be daft, it's Tuesday, diet done, food is here, it needs digesting.

Brain: It's Thursday. Hmmm, slow down.

Stomach: You do your job, I'll do mine - slurp, gurgle - and proper Yorkshire tea, YUM.

Brain: Lunch on its way ... poached eggs on toast.

Stomach: Goody, I'll get this lot digested ready for the afternoon doughnut and coffee, I don't want that hanging around to spoil dinner.

Brain: She says not.

Stomach: Not what?

Brain: No doughnut.

Stomach: Fruit pie and ice-cream?

Brain: Just coffee.
Stomach: Coffee?

Brain: RED ALERT! RED ALERT! eyes and ears  ... SWITCH OFF!
Stomach: What shouldn't she see or hear?
Brain: Grumpy getting a doughnut out and making a major performance of it.
Stomach: I want a doughnut, we've got plenty of room and lots of acid ready.
Brain: I say ... she's just called grumpy a git because he's wandering around eating a doughnut with jam running down his fingers.
Stomach: We're really not having one?
Brain: Oh ... eyes have spotted him surreptitiously cleaning jam off his shorts ... All body parts stand by for laughter.

Brain: You've got a meal arriving, it's a proper plateful.
Stomach: Is it worth getting excited about?
Brain: Hmmm, it's just healthy green, red and orange crunchy stuff, Oh there's a Jacket potato.
Stomach: Yay, BUTTER!!  Ready ... on standby.
Brain: Nope, no butter.

Brain: Well, she's obviously eating properly now after yesterday's peculiarity, so clearly we don't need to go into starvation mode to save our blubber. Therefore, let's maintain our middle-aged metabolism as it is.
Stomach: I'll second that, it's looking good in here now ... apart from the complete lack of doughnut.

Brain: Right, body ... we really need to make up for yesterday's deficit, can we please release some fat stores.
Body: Not on your nelly, it's taken years to save all this lot.
Brain: Just do it.
Body: Won't ...
 

.....

1. Me and Alternate Day Fasting
2. Me and Alternate Day Fasting ... Three Weeks On
3. Five Weeks of Alternate Day Fasting
4. Eight Weeks of Alternate Day Fasting
5. Ten Weeks of Alternate Day Fasting
6. Alternate Day Fasting Three Months On
7. Alternate Day Fasting in Winter
8. Alternate Day Fasting Over Christmas
9. Me and Zumba
10. Saying Goodbye To My Curves 
11. Eight Months Of Alternate Day Fasting And Me
12. Growing Up 
13. A Year Of Alternate Day Fasting 
14. 60 Pounds Of Blubber - Vanished
15. The Perils of Alternate Day Fasting 
16. Mr Grumpy Is Losing It
17. Mr Grumpy Has Lost It
18. Fasting For Maintenance
19. Tweaking Maintenance
20. Weight Gain 
21. Still Maintaining
22. Four Years Of Intermittent Fasting

  .....

• ADF Facebook Group ... come and join us :)

Not Dotting The i's

I did warn you that there would be lots more of this:

I was doodling the other day ... the type of doodling I've not done in over 25 years ... yes, I was practising my POSSIBLE future signature. 'OH NOOOOOOOOO' ... I wailed, I can't have that. It's horrible, I've lost my i's.

I currently have two i's in my surname, and when I do my signature I draw rings above them rather than just boring dots. Yes I know I've still got one in Julie, but I rarely - if ever - sign my full name ... boo hoo, hoo, hoo hoo, hoo.

There came a spate of daft suggestions, among them ... have a middle name with i's in it - yes I know, I already said I don't sign with my first name, I just use the initial so this suggestion was completely useless.

But ahem, once we're in wappy mode, it's hard to get out of - this may or may not be an age thing, or we could just be that couple that everyone tries to avoid because they think we've escaped from somewhere secure.

'Iris' ... says I. 'But do you like it?' ... he asks. 'Nope, it's fuddy duddy, hmmm.'

'MISSISSIPPI'  ... he announced. I gave him one of my looks. 'Mississippi? Mississippi? Are you right sharp?' ... 'Well it's got i's in it'.

Ahem, I am now known variously as - Mississippi - Missi - Sippi - Pissi and Missis Julie Sippi ...

My Meeting With Councillor Kevin Parkinson re ASDA Island Safety.

By Dayvee

I arrived at the island earlier than planned, and placed my backside on a bench facing the island.  I thought I’d have a few moments watching the traffic and pedestrians go about their business.

The island activity was blistering but then it was peak time, this doesn’t excuse the poor, erratic, selfish driving. 

Not by everyone I have to say, there were some drivers who were courteous to others and used the island as I would term correctly.

Here are some of my observations during a period of only 15 minutes. 

• Some drivers didn’t indicate their intended direction.
•  Many drivers chose the wrong lane and involved cutting other drivers up. 
•  There were drivers who attacked the island as if it was their enemy or race track, they couldn’t get on or off it quick enough.
• One driver went round 1½ times.  He came from Eastwood end, did a complete lap then left for Heanor, a case of wrong lane and no indication.
• Two pedestrians became stranded on the splitter island in the middle of Cromford road; they started from “The Mill” side and were heading toward ASDA with a two wheeled shopping trolley in tow.  They made it quite comfortably to the splitter island but leaving it was a very nerving ordeal for them.  It was a gamble when to leave the island in order to cross the second half.  This was due to the traffic coming off the island and leaving ASDA with and without indication.

 Soon after Councillor Parkinson arrived and our discussion began.

.....

I was told By Councillor Parkinson that: 

•  The island and alterations to the approach roads were constructed with the assumption and expectation that both drivers and pedestrians are aware and use the highway in accordance laid down in “The Highway Code”.
• There is no reported or local knowledge of any incident or accident involving a pedestrian, cyclist or motor cyclist using the island. Asda is a responsible neighbour, and has continued to work with our highways officers since the store opened keeping the island and road safety considerations of pedestrians, which has led to an agreed, set of new highway improvements to the island.’ (This section has been edited by Julie. Apologies to Councillor Parkinson for the error)
•  A blind or vision impaired person will be expected to have a person/partner, guide dog or at least a white stick to aid crossing, it is also expected that drivers will stop for such a person to allow safe crossing. 
• Traffic lights cannot be installed close to the island as it will cause traffic build up, on and off the island which would be hazardous.  The pedestrian controlled traffic lights near “The Railway Tavern” and KFC would have to be removed. The reason being that the light sequence could not be synchronized with those on the island if fitted. If they could It would also be too expensive. 
• The McDonalds build has been approved to go ahead after finalizing and getting approval of the changes to the road/footpath layout. Had the public used the moment more actively and raised their objections at the time of notice being given, then the McDonalds franchisee would have had to re-think.
• He will do everything he can to hold up the building of McDonalds until he is absolutely satisfied that the road/footpath layout meets with his and the highway’s authority approval, at the moment it doesn’t.  All previous road layout plans have been rejected.
• It will be in the interest of McDonald’s franchisee to be patient and come up with the correct solution for customer vehicle access and exit and how it integrates with the island on station road. 
• There will be a clause built into the contract, in that if after a period of time it is found that the island or road layout is not working as well as it could or should, then the McDonalds franchisee will be responsible for the funding to make any necessary changes.
• It would be a good idea to involve and work with the Parish Council.
• Work is on-going to move the car wash lot which is next to “The Railway Tavern”. 
• “The Mill” (derelict building) if eventually sold has or will have restrictions place upon it as to what could be made of it.  It may be that a compulsory purchase order be placed on it with the intention of demolition.

.....

 

After reading the above I can appreciate some of the comments will infuriate certain people and rightly so.

Unfortunately the horse has bolted and we are where we are.

I suggest if you have any questions or clarification relating to the above they would best directed to Councillor Parkinson. Kevin.Parkinson@derbyshire.gov.uk  or on twitter @GreaterHeanor ... I found him to be very obliging and informative.

.....

Do we have any chance to make the McDonald’s franchisee move his restaurant to… http://www.innes-england.com/news_access_26.asp?

I have a slight (very slight) suspicion that McDonalds HQ could be persuaded to advise their franchisee to build down near KFC. Spare land is already there waiting for development.

No brainer to me.  CRAZY ISN’T IT?

I am of the opinion that the restaurant could be open for business sooner if built near KFC, than if they ran the time consuming course of getting approval for the already problematic road layout at the Island which could hopefully go on and on and on.

I think that McDonalds HQ need to know how much we are opposed to their franchisee building on the previous CJ car sales site.  And make them aware of http://www.innes-england.com/news_access_26.asp

If our case encouraged and welcomed the build to be in the same area as KFC as opposed to not having one who knows?

The last thing they need is negative publicity and would prefer it if the public were on their side.

.....

It is possible that we have lost the battle but there is nothing to stop us from continuing with the war and make it very uncomfortable for them by using the almighty weight of the public of whom they will rely on for their business.

.....

 

Below (Where we want to be) ironically, is a section off the McDonald’s web site.

I have underlined, made bold and coloured red which contradicts the CJ site at Langley Mill.

I will be compiling a letter to the CEO, McDonald’s head office; if anyone else cares to add their weight, his address is shown at the bottom.  Surely must be worth a stamp, or you can Tweet @McDonalds  and  #McDonalds and Facebook them, get your contacts/friends to share your FB post.

Dare I say it the more the better, united we stand … 

Where we want to be

http://www.mcdonalds.co.uk/ukhome/Aboutus/Development.html

Due to the growing success of the Company, the intention is to increase the pace of acquisitions with a target of 30 new restaurant openings per year from 2011, which will create up to 1800 new job opportunities annually.

The primary vehicle for this expansion will be freestanding drive-thru restaurants where convenience is key or locations in new or existing retail and leisure parks and transport hubs where visits are often part of a linked trip.

Where McDonald's differs from its Competitors

All leases are taken in the McDonald's Restaurants Ltd name

·         McDonald's take leases up to 25 years

·         McDonald's has a superior covenant strength achieving yields of between 5% and 6%

What are the site requirements

·         Mixed Use/Retail Parks/Leisure Parks/Main Arterial Routes

·         Co-location opportunities with hotels considered

·         Ideal site size is 0.5+ acres

·         All opportunities considered: Standalone units/Leasehold or Freehold - sites up to one acre

·         Pub conversions

For the personal and private attention of

Don Thompson CEO Restaurants Ltd:
McDonald's Restaurants Ltd:

11 - 59 High Road

East Finchley

London

N2 8AW

What's In A Name?

I'm afraid to say that you may have to get used to several blog posts referring to my upcoming wedding ... this is only to be expected, I am a woman.

Ahem, last week I was cruising t'Interweb to see what was required of me regards name change once the deed was done. I know I've done it once before but this was last century (25 years ago) and pre-Internet so not that many places where I needed to change it. But now in this more modern era, my name and indeed my present debit card details are liberally spread about. Damn, I just remembered another one to add to the never-ending list ... lawn bowls ergo my East Lindsey Keycard.

'Bugger it!' I announced. 'I'm not going through all that hoo hah to change my name, I like the one I've got and I'm keeping it.' This did not go down well amongst some of my lady friends (hmmm, surprisingly ... obviously they're not feminists). They seem to think I was being disrespectful to grumpy by not changing my name to match his.

Oho! this reaction was bound to irk me, something I'd said half jokingly was being taken seriously and with such a negative stance. What's wrong with you wimmin? Who says we've first got to bear our fathers name, then when he gives, GIVES us away to another man, we then become their possession and become (correct title) Mrs husband's Christian name husband's surname, NOT even (incorrect title) Mrs our Christian name husband's surname. Are we still living in the dark ages?

Hmmm, not once was it suggested by anyone that my grumpy old man change his name. I could probably go for Hubert Fauntleroy Fitzpatrick Fotheringham Abbot - it gets me back to near the beginning of the alphabet instead of me always bringing up the rear, incidentally my initial won't change this time.

Anyway, if I do decide to change my name, it'll only be because it's even more hassle not to, and not because it's the EXPECTED or traditional thing to do. What most wimmin don't seem to realise is that the wedding certificate is NOT a legal document to say your name MUST change or HAS changed. No, it's just proof of the right to change it if we want to ... when we're ready ... you know, there's no rush ... when we get around to it ... and if it's owt like my divorce, sometime in the next decade or so ...

ASDA Island up for discussion

Something Is Afoot!

Apparently Paul Lynch (reporter for Ripley & Heanor News) was at one of the Parish council meetings and has picked up on our plight regarding the island, which was seemingly discussed, to what extent I'm not sure.
From what I can gather Councillor Kevin Parkinson has also fed him some information hopefully on our behalf.

Councillor Parkinson has requested a meeting with me in order to discuss the safety concerns.

Our meeting is to take place on Monday 6th August.
I would be very grateful if anyone can forward to me experiences of concern, problems using the island, even only if witnessed relating to collisions, near misses or confusion whether you were the driver, a passenger or pedestrian.

Any information will need to reach me no later than Monday 6th August at 4pm.

My email is: dayvee16@gmail.com

Langley Mill's Flowers 2012

Cromford Road lamppost still out of (main) sight, out of mind.

I've been a bit long in doing this post as I've had rather a lot on my mind lately and blogging just wasn't on my list of things I must do.

Ahem, it has also been nestling comfortably amongst my drafts awaiting completion for the last month:

Rumours and facts ... you can choose which is which this time:

1. Potters/Co-op on Cromford Road is already up for sale.
2. Some councillors aren't as bright as they're meant to be.
3. A completed car-wash valeting service on Dean Street wasn't (environmentally) approved.
4. There will soon be more roadworks in Langley Mill.
5. The tyre filled trailer park on the Mill car park is a fire hazard.
6. AVBC have been looking at my blog.
7. The ILLEGAL car wash on Station Road is still going strong.

Ahem, we all know that I'm at the front of the queue when it comes to criticizing our local - and borough - council, so it's only fair that I should pass comment when I think they've done good.

Next to derelict Mill pub

I'm quite sure that this year's Langley Mill flower display has absolutely nothing to do with me having a blogging strop, stamping my size 6's and publishing photos comparing our lack of flowers to a nearby town's wonderful display last year. But I would like to say 'THANK YOU' to Langley Mill and Aldercar council - or whatever they insist on calling themselves - for our current lamppost and road barriers displays.

Although, considering the amount of money our council receives, I think Langley Mill should actually resemble Kew Gardens - oh I see, the entire £85,000 (before donations) isn't all for flowers and Christmas lights, shame ;-) ... apparently nearly £30,000 is for General Administration and £27,000+ is for salaries and national insurance.

If it ever stops raining long enough while I'm actually in Langley Mill, I will venture out with my camera to take some photos of our much cheerier village ... although it is still a disgusting tat-strewn tip, flowers can't hide everything.

This also requires that I use the correct settings on my camera ... sigh. My latest hobby is photographing sunspots (it is possible with our weather, honest), and I then tend to forget that the camera is set for such an event. I'm in the habit of grabbing it, pointing and clicking merrily away at say - a squirrel, which is skilfully doing a handstand whilst simultaneously juggling five peanuts with his feet, and spitting seed at a blackbird (yeah well, it's my blog and I'll exaggerate if I want to) ... and all I get for my efforts is a distant smudge!

Just a blur as my chauffeur drove us past

Righto, photos accomplished, but this was on our way out of Langley Mill on our way to the tin hut - via Nottinghamshire's Company of the Year 2012 - so please forgive the fuzziness of the last photo advertising a lard outlet ...

Decree Absolute-ly

Now it's common knowledge among my friends that I've been living over t'brush for the last twelve and a half years. I was thinking of changing this status ...

I'm one of those individuals - probably borne out of sheer idleness - who never does today what can be put off until tomorrow ... or next week ... even better, next year (decade). This mind-set actually accounts for why it took nearly ten years to get divorced; not helped one iota by my ex-hubby (and friend) abiding by the same philosophy.

Anyway, after much badgering from family and friends - and don't forget, friends, if you don't shurrup I'll find me some new ones - I finally got the deed done. And to be honest, it was only because we were at the vets waiting for the cat's yearly overhaul, that I was close enough to the solicitors to make my first appointment.

It was fairly painless, except of course, to my bank balance. I was finally divorced three ago. My ex let me know because his decree absolute came straight from court, mine of course came from my solicitor; just to make sure they could squeeze every last penny out of me.

When my copy arrived, I gave it to the grumpy old man to put in his briefcase with all his important stuff, because I - being me - would have lost it.

If you're a seasoned reader of my blog - go and find something else to do - then you'll know that we got engaged on my 50th birthday, and as usual, why do today what can be put off ad infinitum?

There has since been even more badgering from friends - well one particular pain in the bum  - for us to get married. But as my ex said to me when I told him we were getting divorced ... 'What's the rush?' My grumpy old man certainly isn't in any hurry to get married and I'm sure I'll get around to doing it sometime.

Anyway, a few months ago I was talking via messenger to the friend who keeps asking ... 'Do I need a hat yet?' With the same reply as always ... 'You won't need one, you're not invited.' When I decided to search on t'Interweb for what documents we'd need if - you know, just in case - we went to the registry office.

Among them was my 'Decree Absolute' ... Oh, I know where that is, I'll just get it out. Off I went to rummage in grumpy's briefcase.

Oh, heck, it was there all right, and ever so easy to find - because some bleep bleep bleepety bleep t**t had written on the back of this legal document, telling me almost exactly what it is.

Well, any ideas of there being a grumpy + grumpess wedding this decade are so far off the scale as to be nigh on negligible. I mean, me being as pedantic as I am to the nth degree, I can't sit there smiling at the registrar and waft my decree absolute in front of him/her when it's got - in big, neat writing on the back - DEVORcE papers, now can I?

.....

This was amongst my drafts dated 30.11.11, and, ahem ... seeing as we - finally - went to Ripley this morning to see the registrar to give notice of intent to marry, book our wedding and prove that we knew each other and aren't trying to have an illegal sham marriage.

And ... as I so v-e-r-y carefully opened out my decree absolute so she couldn't see the writing on the back - which was by now actually making the left side of my brain itch - phew, what a save. I thought I'd finally publish it ...

Update on the Langley Mill roundabout

It has been acknowledged by ASDA and local council that Langley Mill island is not as safe as it could be.
Plans are now afoot to change lane discipline from two to one by removing the white lining as well as hatchings around the centre.
Apparently ASDA have agreed to fund the imminent changes.
Community and public pressure is NOW required and quickly before this minor work is carried out.
We need to press for better traffic control i.e PEDESTRIAN CROSSING WITH LIGHTS.
The island needs to be safer to negotiate for pedestrians  travelling from Langley Mill to Eastwood & visa versa.
There is a good possibility that public pressure can make this happen
Your comments, ideas, opinions and near misses (if any) that you have had or witnessed with regard to the roundabout need to be sent by email to the following

kevin.parkinson@derbyshire.gov.uk          Also copy in the following:
almpcouncil@yahoo.co.uk

These people need to know your views to make a safer crossing happen!!  GET EMAILING

A Tiny Bit Peeved At Asda Langley Mill

Thanks to dayvee for filling in with his grumpiness while mine was taking a break ;-)

The majority of this post was written on June 17th, I didn't publish it then as  I was hanging on to it as promises had been made to me by Asda - thus I was hoping that things would improve - so no real point in venting my spleen. But seeing as things were exactly the same while we were at home last time, I decided to finish it: 

Just lately I seem to have had more than my fair share of annoyances - well I think so, and it's my blog and I'll whinge if I want to.

I won't go into great detail of all of my gripes here or I may just upset someone; and that would never do. But be warned - if the cap fits - this worm is on the turn. I will continue now with peeves that I am allowed to write about:

Ahem ... t'other Tuesday (29th May) we returned back to Langley Mill, there was no prising my fingers off of anything to make me leave my beloved tin hut this time, because I knew that when I got home I was eagerly anticipating the arrival of two items in the post.

1. A shiny new Android jobby aka a Samsung Galaxy S2.
2. A sheet of Baader AstroSolar safety film for my latest hobby (more about that soon).

Anyway, that very same evening, hang on, I need to check my 'tweets' for the times ... Aha, we'd been home two hours apparently - making it about 11.20 at night, when I was vibrating where I sat.

I went upstairs and looked through the window at the offending item before I stomped across to Asda, thinking they'd got a freezer unit parked up for their 'deep clean'. I was wrong (it happens). I asked the security guard - nicely, my bad temper had fizzled out in that short distance - for the manager. He duly arrived and I was apologised to and informed that it was a three hours late chiller lorry ... one of the old NOISY kind.

I can actually do the rest of this blog post with my tweets pertinent to Asda and life for me  - at this time - in Langley Mill. I've missed the other, much nicer and possibly more ladylike stuff out.

Of course, you're not forced to read it, but apart from me removing a few hash-tags (no, can't be bothered, I'll leave 'em)  and maybe moderating a bit of my worst bluster, the tweets are entirely genuine, as well as the dates and times stated.

• 29 May 23.49 I must be on a very short fuse. Only been home 2 hours and already been across to #Asda to complain - but I was being shaken out of my chair.
• 29 May 23.51 A chuffin (3 hours) late chiller lorry ... one of the old NOISY kind apparently. #AsdaLangleyMill night manager was lovely ... I wasn't ;-)
• 30 May  6.16 Effin #Asda #LangleyMill have had me awake nearly 2 effin hours already with effin deliveries! Chucking lumps of metal in there now. Wan**rs
• 30 May  6.19  Am now resigned to my awake status & started work. So thanks for that #Asda noisy sods! 3 wks away make me realise we put up with crap here! 
• 30 May  6.25 At least I know where sun comes up (in case it's clear enough) for photos of #TransitOfVenus next week. I shall rely on #Asda to get me up.
• 30 May 7.01 #Asda chiller lorry is out-noising my washing machine 2 rooms away. do you think I may be in a bad mood? Less than 4 hours sleep does that!
• 1 Jun 9.03 Took a borrowed dog for a walk, looks very busy inside old #Netto. It's surprising how well the weeds in #LangleyMill hide #Asda's litter.
• 2 Jun 0.28 Oh bo**ox. It's twatting teenage loony time in #LangleyMill. Morons shouting to each other about what time it is in front of our house :-(
• 2 Jun 0.30 I'd forgotten how delightful #LangleyMill could be on a Friday night. That's only 3rd time they've been past lately. Roll on next week :-)
• 2 Jun 0.33 Although now I think about it, it'll be same every night. Hope it rains every night, keep the little darlings at home with mummy & daddy ;-)
• 2 Jun 0.36 & here they come again. Looked like they'd been evicted from #Asda earlier the way they were shoving trolleys about. Oh to be young & bored.
• 2 Jun 2.06 Now I'm being shaken out of bed by an effin #Asda freezer lorry delivering more crap. I suppose it'll be the squeaky gates opening next :-(
• 2 Jun 2.19 Brrrrrm ... bang, clatter. I wonder how many lies the #Asda manager would be prepared to tell about this delivery being late. Good training!
• 2 Jun 2.26 Rumble rumble rumble rumble rumble. Funny there were no reversing squawks or bleeps. Maybe they thought it would wake me up. Rumble rumble.
• 2 Jun 2.29 I suppose I could count #Asda pallets rumbling off the lorry instead of counting sheep to see if I could get back to sleep.
• 2 Jun 2.34 Bugger, I've been awake so long that I'm hungry... Boom, squeak, brrrrrm clatter, clang. That's it, he's off. Another #Asda delivery done.
• 2 Jun 2.38 They were very quiet with the gates. Damn that's annoying. I do like to whinge about #Asda's squeaky gates. Must have done good complaining.
• 2 Jun 2.41 Well I'm very awake, playing I-spy on my own in the dark could be a challenge. I know, I'll open the blind & use #Asda's security light :-)
• 2 Jun 3.12 Firkin hell! another bloody #Asda delivery. This one blared his bleeding horn! #SWAIN I think it says on front.
• 2 Jun 3.14 Oh dear, half way through last tweet & he blared horn again. I lost the plot & went across in my dressing gown & trainers. Got nasty :-)
• 2 Jun 3.17 Got on to security guard. Apologised to him. Saw a Kev (I think). Apparently no night staff & guess what!? Delivery was hours late. To**ers
• 2 Jun 3.23 On the bright side, I Heard a cuckoo & then took photos of hedgehog on next door's yard. Rumble rumble rumble rumble. http://pic.twitter.com/ocXFYCg0
• 2 Jun 3.26 Ahhhh, grumpy has made me a lovely cup of tea. Rumble rumble rumble rumble. Long effin #Asda delivery 3.25 now. Rumble rumble rumble rumble.
• 2 Jun 3.29 Oh s**t. I will no doubt be immortalised on a security video dressed like a Clampit, ranting & waving my arms about... Rumble rumble rumble
• 2 Jun 3.36 Aha, tosspot has done his #Asda delivery. I do hope all his tyres spontaneously burst on the motorway. That chuffin gate is quiet tonight :)
• 2 Jun 3.42 I've not had an hours sleep yet. I'll be ever so lovely tomorrow... Not! I wish I wasn't so grumpy, but I am being pushed a bit far.
• 2 Jun 4.34 Wonder if #Asda #LangleyMill have finally realised they don't need to open 24hours seeing as there's no night staff. Oh yeah am still awake.
• 2 Jun 4.37 I could eat a scabby dog's leg, I am starving! Hmm, come here scabby dog. Pthooo... too hairy ;-)
• 2 Jun 5.21 Yet another #Asda delivery yawn. Oh yeah, security guard reminded me that it was a business & they had to deliver through the night. Rubbish
• 2 Jun 5.25 Still not been to sleep since they woke me with #Asda delivery at 2.00am. This one is bleeping in & there's some nice preparation clanking!
• 2 Jun 5.28 How many attempts does he need to reverse into #Asda? Still chuffin bleeping. Ahh, he's in. Now for the rumbles to start.
• 2 Jun 5.31 I think I'll print my tweets & give them to Ms #Asda manager when I visit her tomorrow oops today. Will save me telling her what I think :'(
• 2 Jun 6.13 And another completed #Asda delivery. Yes I'm still awake. Bang clank. And another one in. Oh it's effin freezer lorry now. Chuff me!
• 2 Jun 6.22 #Asda really taking wee wee now with bloody banging & clanking, now rumbling. They in too much hurry. You're a load of to**ers in there! :-(
• 2 Jun 6.45 Well this has to be considered one of #Asda's noisiest deliveries yet. I really don't know how they got plans passed for 24hour deliveries.
• 2 Jun 6.47 I still haven't slept, 1st 2 hours #Asda's delightful younger customers. (trolley in middle of road). Rest of night delivery after delivery!
• 2 Jun 6.52 Bloody hell! Another one. Bloody #ARLA now, he did a turn around the yard, he'll have to wait his turn until freezer lorry done :-(
• 2 Jun 6.55 #Kingsmill waiting at #Asda now. At least he's relatively quiet. But Asda's own lorry is still clanking. Yes the blind is open so I can see!
• 2 Jun 6.58 Have #Asda forgotten that they're open bank hols? I'm sure they must have had more deliveries than normal for the prats panic shopping.
• 2 Jun 7.05 I need to find somewhere else to live. Many more nights like this I'll end up in a nut house. Or prison when I'm driven to do summat stupid!
• 2 Jun 7.10 Sick of hearing that bloody #Asda lorry engine. Oh, he's going. #ARLA is back for his turn, #Kingsmill is in. Oh it's Arla making noise now!
• 2 Jun 7.14 Got a headache, that's every morning since I've been back in this hole! I'd like someone from #Asda to come here to listen to all this crap!
• 2 Jun 7.19 I see last night's little #Asda shoppers left a can on neighbours car as well as trolley in road. How delightful. http://pic.twitter.com/9HsjSfd9
• 2 Jun 7.43 #ARLA is still bloody droning on & on. Meanwhile there's all the clanking in the background. I hate #Asda. Ooh, they've left yard gate open.
• 2 Jun 7.46 I could nip round & do some real damage, yeah right. They've got my name, address, phone number... And my #Clampit impression on video :-)
• 2 Jun 7.50 Disguise, oh yes! Stilts & a beard... And #ARLA drones on... Dark glasses & a wig. Effin tannoy now! They're coming to take me away haha ;-)
• 2 Jun 7.54 Ha! #ARLA is done. He struggles in & out that gate every time. Have I gone deaf? My ears hurt. Ooh weird, oh not to worry cages clattering.
• 2 Jun 9.13 Woohoo! Just had phone call from #Asda apologising for last night & they're trying to get it sorted. Apparently they're having depot issues.
• 2 Jun 19.13 Had another phone call from #Asda #LangleyMill to warn us of impending late noise tonight. My #Clampit impression must have been scary :-D
• 3 Jun 00.22 #Asda's promised late delivery has arrived. I don't honestly know what to make of them telling me, as they always have one at this time.

During my phone-call from Asda, I was - as is their wont - assured that Asda don't receive deliveries during the night and this was only a one off as they were having problems at their depot. The ACTUAL manager was on the phone to them about my complaint of that moron blaring the horn six times just before 3.00am. To be honest in my opinion, Asda is just a cheap business, run on a shoestring and bugger anyone who lives nearby because they'll just lie to you, even with the evidence of their own eyes.

Update 9th July: 

As I said at the start, I saved the above for when we went home again to either NOT publish because Asda in their wisdom decided to give me some peace; having promised to sort things out regards night time noise. Or more likely for when I was going to be in another bad mood, i.e. when Asda next kept me awake. Unfortunately my brain is so fuzzy from lack of sleep when I'm at home that this has had to wait until I was 'tin-hutted' again.

We were at home for 139 hours (Tuesday afternoon - Monday morning), in that time Asda and the feral pack of teenagers that roam Langley Mill's streets at night allowed me to sleep all of 16 hours; and none of them were undisturbed. 

Anyway, it's safe to say that Asda staff talk a load of BO**OCKS. Nothing whatsoever has changed. I was up all night alternately working and tweeting - but we're already bored with the last lot so I'm not repeating them - again last week while we were home.

What I really can't stand and take exception to, is the bare faced lies senior Asda staff tell about their deliveries 'never happening at night unless they're late'. I counted seven deliveries in one night between 2.50am and 7.00am. Time you stopped lying Asda, and it's also time I stopped giving you the chance to improve because you'll never - voluntarily - do it ...

Asda Island Langley Mill: Safe or Dangerous?

This post is written by a fellow Twitterer (and fairly prolific commenter). He was going to do it as a comment but they sometimes get missed, so I suggested he become a blog author: So, meet dayvee ...

.....

It all started for me on 17^th September 2010 when my wife and I was taking our granddaughter out for a walk, well she was in her push chair due to her being only 2 years of age.

Walking along Station Rd heading towards Eastwood we encountered the new roundabout at the junction of Cromford Rd.  Immediately something about the island struck me that this was not a comfortable place to cross to make our way towards Eastwood.

The old zebra crossing had gone with nothing to replace it other than a tactile kerb to give the pedestrian confidence.

There was no other option other than use the opposite side of the road which had and still has no footpath.

I was so concerned that I wrote to Asda, several threads of email were exchanged comprising of many questions aimed mainly at safety including photographs to back up the questions, no satisfactory answers came back.

Communications finished 13^th December 2010 and I dare say by more luck than judgement as far as I am aware there has not been an accident involving a pedestrian.

I would like to know if anyone else is aware of an accident on or relevant to the island.

Because of the “Grumpy Old Woman’s BlogSpot” the topic has been revived and it is thanks to Julie that she has allowed me to write, hopefully to raise more local interest in order to highlight safety concerns to the council which in turn they should place pressure or request those responsible to make the roundabout more safe for pedestrians of all capabilities.

(See below in quote the section underlined)

I have recently opened discussions this time with Councillor Kevin Parkinson who appears to have more interest than those in the past.

I forwarded all previous discussion threads including photographs to him asking for the answers to my questions.  He admits that he is not qualified to answer most of them; however he does write in his final thread “Quote”…

To confirm, Asda were responsible for their build which was approved by Amber Valley Borough Council.
As the highway authority we are responsible for ensuring new developers, in this case Asda, fund any necessary road traffic and pedestrian measures that meet the statutory requirements contained in the regulation and best practice available.

In terms of the existing arrangements I am satisfied they meet the regulatory requirements and confirm Asda is a responsible neighbour which is always crucial to secure necessary highway improvements.

Part of the agreement with Asda carried a clause for us to include any retrospective improvements 'should' any new information or persistent concerns occur.

I can assure you, that as local member; I have consistently reviewed the situation around Asda and consulting with our professional officers, remain satisfied.

We all are reliant upon road users and pedestrians observing good high way code disciplines, and the existing highway arrangements very much factored minimising risks.

In terms of the points you outlined, I am not qualified to respond and have asked officers to respond on my behalf.

As I explained, we are currently working with a new developer and are seriously considering our S278 highway requirements to allow that build and fast food operation to occur.

I have a meeting shortly with officers responsible for negotiating these requirements and I will ensure your comments are considered accordingly.
I have also included the Parish Council who should be aware of your concerns.

I have replied to Councillor Parkinson appertaining to the above.

You will see within the above written quote that I have underlined and placed in bold a section where I believe that we the public in numbers could pursue and (for want of a better word), force their hand to make the roundabout more safe for pedestrians to include sound and visual aids.

S278 that Councillor refers to is primarily an agreement between the local authority and developer in respect of what work is to be done, the price and other bits and bobs, not necessarily safety crossing aids.  It may be they were not placed in the contract due to price, which in my opinion is not serving the public well.

Change can only be considered if we have hoards of Langley Millers raising issues of complaint

I would also be happy to read your thoughts and ideas regarding the roundabout.

If anyone is interested in viewing all the questions that has been placed to Asda and councillor Parkinson, also the photographs (to get a feel of where we are with it) I will be only too happy to post them, just let me know. 

Only for fear of boring you is the reason why I have not posted them here and now.

As and when I receive information or updates I will post them.

Many thanks GG

dayvee

(David Vowles)

I'm Still Here

Just in case anyone was at all concerned - Oh you weren't - I am still here. I have several blog posts partly written but haven't been in the mood to finish any ... But I will be back ;-)

I tiny update on things concerning a car wash on a pub car-park in Langley Mill - with no current planning permission - but which has now acquired ultra-bright advertising frills and several not so bright black bin bags piled up for extra tat effect.

Ahem, a fellow twitterer - and commenter on my blog - got the 'bit between his teeth' and made a proper tweeting nuisance of himself (my hero, ha ha) regards this car wash.

The upshot is that a councillor has made enquiries and now filled in an enforcement form about this pile of garbage using lots of - yes, I too hope they're on a meter - water in the centre of Langley Mill ...

Busy Doing Nothing

I was busy working the other morning and I noticed our tin-hut neighbour strimming around their caravan. Grumpy was out shopping - via the bookies - but I knew he wouldn't be long.

Sure enough, he returned, did an 'Owen' impression (Vicar Of Dibley) and slung the shopping bags into roughly the area the contents were destined for, then tootled off out to help our neighbour whose attention had now turned to our dense strip of jungle.

This vision of grumpy going past the windows with his brush, rake and bag of grass, huffing and puffing, and generally giving the impression of having been hard at (manual) work for the previous two hours, made me titter and took me straight back to when we all worked - or in certain cases, attended - Aristoc.

Grumpy did his - electrical - training at Vic Hallams but it wasn't until he went to work at Aristoc that his acting skills were honed to perfection and put to good use. And I don't think I'm far off the mark when I say that ALL the male maintenance staff seemed to be equally good actors and some even deserved Oscars. They'd spent so much time living this exaggerated - I'm working really, really hard - life that I'm sure they all came to believe in their own and each others performances.

They didn't fool us 'wimmin' though and to us they were positively laughable. Something we could have done in, say five minutes with the right screwdriver, would take an eternity of head scratching, chatting, sighing, flirting, measuring and squinting hard ... and this was just a precursor to DOING the actual job.

Of course to do the job there has to be a TOOLBOX ... grumpy had got two of these blue metal things, one contained all his best personal, engraved tools and the other one mostly rubbish with just one or two useful items. At Aristoc he could occasionally be seen carrying one of these toolboxes around with him. But alas, the one with all his proper tools was stolen from the boiler house - with no compensation. Grumpy was aggrieved to say the least. But it did mean that from this point he only took with him the tools he actually needed for the job in hand.

This remaining toolbox was carried like it contained the weight of at least four house bricks, when in all likelihood there was nothing heavier in there than green/yellow earth wire sleeving, his snap, a newspaper and a pack of cards. But it was all about THE LOOK . If he did actually need any of his tools, they were mostly stashed in one of his many boiler suit pockets. If there was a really big job the toolbox was placed on a trolley and pulled along.

.......

Now I've mentioned it, there's the BOILER SUIT ... this was in a fetching shade of bright blue, We were fairly certain that he slid around the floor on his bum to maintain the correct degree of muckyness when they came back nice, clean and ultra-bright from the dry cleaners.

I'm not sure how many of these boiler suits he had but I think he's got two left now. Whenever I spot him wearing them I think 'ey up, it's serious'. This is usually a forewarning that he's going up the ladders to clean the windows (I've not seen 'em out this year).

.......

Then there's the WIPE ... this is done with the back of his hand across the forehead to denote a tricky or fiddly situation. And implies that much sweat has appeared upon said brow, and even more may follow as the day progresses. This gesture was often further enhanced by making sure there was a moderate amount of oil on his hands.

As I've said, Grumpy is an electrician by trade but he can turn his hand to most things. I found him replacing some tiles in the ladies toilets once, he didn't do the polite thing and leave when we walked in, he just shouted 'I'm here' ... like that was any use to us while trying to do a quiet, unheard, ladylike wee. Although we needn't have worried too much as he was just about the noisiest person I knew, constantly rabbiting on or singing ... This was years before we became affiliated and I just thought he was a daft prat (nowt's changed there then).

.....

Then there was my BUCKET ... as I said grumpy masqueraded as an electrician a good portion of the time, but he did have other uses. Where I sat to do my ahem, arduous (reprocessing) job was in front of a leaky radiator; which meant I had to catch the drips in a bucket and empty it every other day or so. I'd repeatedly asked the plumber to fix it and although he'd waved his tools about, the drip remained. In fact it should be noted - it got worse.

Along comes grumpy one day pulling his toolbox on wheels. We exchanged pleasantries (okay flirted, it's what he did) as I passed him on on my way out with my dribbles bucket. By the time I got back, the leak was no more, he'd fixed it.

Another time - after the main part of Aristoc shifted to Belper and grumpy was left behind to ahem, brilliantly (he's read this and wants it noted that he did a good job) maintain the warehouse. He was asked to tidy up around the car park and the perimeter of (mostly) empty buildings. His boss told grumpy he was going to hire him a strimmer and asked him which day would he like it.

Oh dear, oh dear - I think day - he had it six weeks! Although in his defence, he did say the grass was 6ft high, which roughly translated (wimmins measurements) means just under 1ft.

.......
 

Ooh yeah, then there's the TUBE ... this is his version of the more intelligent (me) person's notebook and pen, and for special effects pockets full of socks, a pile of tights and leotards thrown over one shoulder - this was during my Quality Control years (must write about those one day). In other words ... nowt to do, but must look busy.

Grumpy was often seen - and yes, heard - passing by with a 5ft fluorescent light tube gripped in his grimy mitt, what he didn't realise was that we knew it was the same one that he'd been carrying around with him the previous two weeks, and this was the point we burst into song ...

"He's busy doing nothing,
Working the whole day through.
Trying to find lots of things not to do.
He's busy going nowhere,
Isn't it just a crime,
He'd like to be unhappy,
But he never does have the time."